


The Exit Signs I Missed

by Sandpfote



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Even Bech Næsheim, Evak - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 10:19:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13269396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandpfote/pseuds/Sandpfote
Summary: "As soon as Even had started calling Isak, a huge wave of anxiety crashed onto him. It was weird to feel anxious after all those days of just dull heaviness in his chest, and Even hated it."Maybe going on a road trip with his crush wasn't the smartest idea Even has ever had, but it certainly was the most exciting one. And who cares if you end up getting your heart broken when you spend the days before making out with said crush in a freezing cold lake?





	The Exit Signs I Missed

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to add a small triggerwarning for anyone who deals with mental illness, as mental illness is described (by the mentally ill person himself) in a very negative way (e.g. as a burden for other people). The people around the mentally ill person give him nothing but support, though!

_My neck, the feeling of your soft lips_   
_Illuminated in the light,_   
_Bouncing off the exit signs_   
_I missed_

_(Drive, Halsey)_

 

*

 

Even didn’t exactly know how they ended up in Isak’s friend’s old van, driving through Norway without a goal or end, but that didn’t matter.

What mattered was the feeling of the steering wheel; what mattered was Even’s big fat gay crush on Isak; what mattered was Isak asking: “Can we stay in a motel tonight?”  and Even answering, high on endorphins, “Yes”.

 

And when Even left the shower at the motel, Isak was on the bed, only in an old t-shirt (that most likely belonged to Even) and his boxers, but covered in what seemed to be the rest of the bag of chips they bought earlier that day.

“Did you really eat the whole bag of chips?” Even asked, more amused than mad.

Isak just shrugged with his shoulders. “Not my problem if you’re taking ages in the bathroom.”

 

*

 

The gaping hole in Even’s chest was filled with _IsakIsakIsakIsak_ and he finally felt completely alive again.

 

*

 

“I think we’re out of toast.” Even said. “We still have some cheese and cold canned soup, though.”

Isak still sat in the passenger seat as he half yelled his answer. “Why did we even buy canned soup? It’s fucking disgusting if we can’t heat it up.”

“You were the one who insisted on getting it.” Even yelled back.

Isak didn’t reply but turned around and flipped Even off with a smile painted on his face.

 

Even’s heart grew to the size of a watermelon and forced a huge grin on his face. But instead of rushing to Isak and kissing him like he wanted to, Even just answered “Don’t deny the truth!” and Isak started to laugh.

 

Even didn’t want the roadtrip to end.

_*_

They went grocery shopping and bought toast and supplies to start a fire with the plan to heat up the canned soup they bought.

 

When they passed a shelf with spices, Isak said, grinning: “Remember when we first hung out and we made those disgusting cheese toasts with all those spices?”

Even started to grin as well. He was (maybe a little too) fond of those memories, because  – as cheesy as it sounds – in a mix of grey and blue memories, a mix of blurred memories, or memories who were all the same, those memories with Isak were the only ones which shined a clear and bright yellow.

In fact, their whole road trip was just a swirl of yellow and Even wanted Isak to remember the road trip just as fondly as him, so he offered: “Wanna buy some?” and Isak suggested: “Let’s buy Cardamom.”

Even didn’t reply, but simply put some Cardamom in their cart, laughing.

 

*

 

Isak was the reason the sun rose every day.

 

*

Even after Isak and Even had cooked the soup on their bonfire it still tasted disgusting, so they filled up on toast.

 

“Let’s make Marshmallows.” Isak decided and pulled Even out of his daydreams. “I think I saw some in the trunk.”  
“Yeah, I did too.” Even agreed. „Shall I go and get them? “

„Nah. I can get them myself, you don’t always have to do everything.“

“Jeez.” Even muttered.

 

When they roasted the Marshmallows they talked about their favourite films and Isak made fun of Even for liking Romeo + Juliet and Even made fun of Isak for thinking that Star Wars was a cinematic masterpiece. They decided to show each other their favourite movies as soon as they were home again.

 

*

 

When Even falls in love he falls head over tails; he falls with every cell in his body, and every thought in his brain.

 

When Even fell in love with Sonja, his every thought was _SonjaSonjaSonja_. He would watch love stories and think of her, and he would send her songs that reminded him of her. As he fell out of love with Sonja, he stopped watching romantic movies and listening to love songs.

 

After he had met Isak, he immediately went home and watched Romeo + Juliet for the first time in years.

 

*

 

And Even watched the firelight dance in Isak’s eyes and dreamed of swimming in their ocean.

 

*

Isak overslept and Even woke him up by taking away his blanket.

“What the fuck?” Isak said, groggily and half-asleep.

“Isak it’s 11.30. Don’t you want to seize the day?”

Isak laughed half-heartedly. “Seize the day?” He tried to grab his blanket, but when he couldn’t reach it, he muttered: “The only thing I want to seize is revenge if you don’t leave me alone.”  
“Isak!” Even complained. “I’ve got something planned. Come on.”

Isak rubbed his eyes and sat up. “Okay, okay. I’m already up.”

 

*

 

They ate fries for breakfast and filled the whole fast food restaurant with laughter and as Even listened to Isak rant about some rapper he was a fan of, he realized that he had to kiss him today.

 

*

 

In the afternoon Even pulled the car over at a lake and they walked by it.

 

“I dare you to go swimming in the lake.”  
“Even what the fuck? It’s freezing.”  
Even shrugged. “You don’t have to do it. It’s okay if you’re too much of a wuss.”

“A wuss?”

“Yeah, are you scared of water? Scared to fuck up your hair?”  
“My hair? You think I care about my hair?”

“What should I think? It looks like it.”

Isak whispered “fuck” under his breath and then said to Even: “Only if you go first.”  
“That’s not how daring works.” Even complained. “What if you won’t go after me.”

Isak paused for a second, then he looked up and grinned at Even. “Together?”

 

When they had taken off their jackets, pullovers, jeans and shoes, Even could see Isak freezing. Carefully, he touched his shoulder. “You’re really cold” Even said concerned. “Sure you want to go into the lake?” 

“You’re just trying to get out of it.” Isak answered. Even could see, that he was trying to be somewhat cheeky, but because of his shivering he failed miserably. It was too fucking cute.

In response, Even held out a hand for Isak. “Together.”

So Isak grabbed Even’s hand and Even began to run, pulling Isak behind him into the lake.

 

 

*

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” Isak cursed. “Why did you get me into doing this?”

“Because you’re a competitive fuck.”

As a response Isak shrug with his shoulders.

“I bet you suck at holding your breath.” Even said, challenging. Even felt confident. He was going to kiss Isak.

“Are you challenging me?” Isak asked. Both were grinning like idiots by now; even though they couldn’t feel their toes anymore, they were content and in their own little bubble. “I’m the master of holding my breath.”  
“Okay, show me.” Even answered.

 

*

 

Isak came up way too early and Even laughed at him.

“I got a water droplet in my throat!” Isak complained, but Even kept laughing.

After a while he said: “Now together.”  
“Together?”  
“Last one to come up wins.”

 

*

 

Even kissed Isak and everything fell into place.

 

*

 

Even felt like every major event in his life had led up to this. Leaving Bakken, attending Nissen, going to the Kose-gruppa meetings, it all led up to this.

It all led up to this kiss in the freezing cold lake with Isak.

 

*

It was night and Isak and Even were lying on the top of the van, which stood on some field they found on their roadtrip. Both of them were wrapped in their hoodies and each other’s arms, because their jackets were still in the van, but they weren’t cold.

As Even was taking a drag of the joint they had started smoking, Isak asked: “Do you think there’s more out there?”

Even turned to Isak, chuckling.  “More what?”

Isak took a second to reply, staring into the night sky. “Like aliens and stuff. The-“ he took a drag of the joint and handed it back to Even. “What’s really interesting is the infinity.”

“What?”  
“All the different planets, and all, kind of, how big everything is, and how small we are compared to the universe, and what’s happening out there.”

Even couldn’t help but laugh. “I think you’ve had enough jay for now.” He took another drag of the joint and then, when Isak lamely reached out for it, held it out of his reach. But when Isak started to pout, Even _Heart Eyes_ Næsheim couldn’t resist, kissed the pout off of Isak’s face, and gave him back the joint.

He was so gone.

 

After a while, Isak asked: “Have you never thought about that?”

 

And actually, Even had thought about that. Even had had a thought about space for every star out there. Every night Even couldn’t sleep, he would think. Every day Even was too depressed to get out of bed, he thought. But thinking only depressed him more. Space only depressed him more.

Space was huge, and Even didn’t matter, and Space didn’t care. It freaked him out and made him unable to move.

 

*

 

And when Even told Isak that it freaked him out, Isak laughed a little and Even could swear it was the sweetest and most satisfying sound he had heard in a long time. “Jesus, in what way? It freaks you out?”

 “Not freaked out like you get from watching horror movies, but… like feeling alone, that sort of freaked out, I guess.”

Even could see Isak’s confusion on his face and didn’t even try to suppress the fond smile that wanted to creep it’s way into Even’s face. So he added: “That like… it’s you, and your head, and all of your thoughts. A “The Mind Is Alone”-Feeling.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like you can’t escape from your own thoughts.”

 

*

 

Even’s thoughts were like toxic matter; no, they were like a parasite, gnawing their way through Even’s brain, his whole body.

Once a single self-doubt found it’s way into his mind, it would refuse to leave and spiral him into a depressive episode.

 

*

“The only way to escape is to die.”

“That’s dark, though.”

*

 

Over the next few days kissing Isak became Even’s favourite thing to do.

 

Between rapping along to their favourite songs, and eating greasy fastfood, and discovering new cities, they always found time to share small kisses, to fall asleep in each other’s arms, and to melt into each other’s hugs.

 

They weren’t _boyfriend_ and _boyfriend_ ; they weren’t official, and they didn’t label what they had between them, but they also didn’t feel the need to do so. Because it was just Even and Isak and Isak and Even and no one else. They were in their own bubble and nothing else was important.

 

*

Even and Isak hadn’t taken a proper shower in three days, and because they didn’t want to pay for a motel again, they agreed to spend their day at an indoor swimming pool.

 

*

 

“Let’s shower before we go swimming.”  
“Yeah, I feel disgusting.”

“You _look_ disgusting too.” Isak started to tease Even. Then he reached out to touch Even’s hair and Even was just beginning to melt into the touch, as Isak said, grinning: “Look at that greasy hair.”

“Greasy?! **Greasy?!** ” Even pretended to be outraged. He began to touch Isak’s hair as well and added: “ _That_ is greasy. Ew.”  
“Oh yeah?” Isak grinned up to him.

And Even melted at the sight of Isak, so instead of teasing back, he leaned down a few inches and started to kiss Isak. His hands found their way into Isak’s face, cupping it and stroking his cheeks with his thumbs, while Isak stopped touching Even’s hair and clasped his hands at the back of Even’s neck.

Even completely lost himself in the kiss; it was nothing like the shy small kisses they had shared before. He felt it in every cell of his body.

 

And then they stopped kissing and Isak looked up to Even with his lips slightly parted, _panting_ , and Even felt overwhelmed, so he leaned into another kiss.

 

Everything in him was filled with joy.

 

*

 

Isak told Even he didn’t want to deal with mentally ill people and Even completely crashed.

 

*

 

“I have a question.” Isak said between two fries. They got lunch at the swimming pool and were currently eating it while watching two chubby boys splash each other with water.

 “Ask me.”

“Why did you have to drag me into this goddamn lake just to kiss me?” He paused a second, then added: “We could’ve done that while being dry.”

Even paused a second, trying to distract himself from what Isak said earlier. Finally, he said: “You remember when I told you about Romeo+Juliet?”

“Yes.”  
“You should watch it. If I had known that we were going to a swimming pool today I would’ve waited until today.” Even answered, even though he knew that if he had waited, he wouldn’t have kissed Isak at all.  
“I’m glad you didn’t.”

Even  swallowed heavily and then lied: “Me too.”  
  
*  
  
Isak kissed Even underwater and when they got up again Isak splashed him with water and Even tried to feel normal.

 

*

 

„I had fun today.“, Isak said and Even tried to answer with an affirmative noise, but ended up sounding more annoyed and distracted than anything else.

 

Even hated this. He just wanted home.

He hated being stuck in a car with the person he’s falling in love with; the person, who would immediately leave him if he knew about Even’s mental illness.

 

He just couldn’t believe that he had actually let himself believe for a while that he would deserve Isak as a part of his life, as his _boyfriend_. Even had already known about Isak’s mother - of course he had, he had been one of Isak’s best friends for the past months; so why did it even surprise him that Isak was fed up with mentally ill people? Even couldn’t believe how selfish he had been, just assuming that Isak would be okay with having another mentally ill person - another burden - in his life.

 

“Maybe we could do something like that again?” Isak proceeded to talk. “I mean, because… I don’t know. We should go to other local attractions too, just so that we don’t do the same stuff every day.“

“Yeah.” Even answered, sounding a lot colder than he intended. When he noticed Isak tensing up next to him, he added: “Sorry, I’m concentrating on the street.”

 Even felt bad for Isak. He shouldn’t be gruff to him; it wasn’t Isak’s fault that Even was a fuck-up.

“Yeah, sorry, let’s just talk later.” Isak answered quietly and Even could hear that Isak was hurt.

 

*

 

FuckFuckFuckFuck _Fuck_ FuckFuck _FUck_ **FUCK**

*

 

That night, Even was barely able to sleep and spent the whole night thinking.

 

*

 

When Even woke up the next morning, he immediately felt the shift in his mood. He immediately noticed the heavy weight on his chest.

  
Even was in the middle of a depressive episode.

 

*

 

“You awake?” Isak asked from outside the van, but Even didn’t answer. “It’s 11am Even, you gotta wake up.” Isak tried again. „What happened to seizing the day?“

Even noticed that Isak was poking fun at him but he didn’t find it funny.

 

After a few minutes, Isak started a new attempt to get Even to get up. This time, he crawled into the van and took away Even’s blanket, just like Even had done with his a few days ago.

“Wake up, Even.” Isak whispered and just as he tried to plant a kiss on Even’s forehead, Even opened his eyes and shifted away from Isak.

“I’m awake.” Even said, but every word felt heavy and wrong in his mouth. He wasn’t supposed to say anything. This was wrong. He had to get away – away from Isak - as quickly as possible.

“I made us breakfast.” Isak announced, not noticing anything. Even’s heart broke over and over and over again. He was going to hurt Isak and Isak was not going to deserve it.

“I’m not hungry.” Even made an attempt to get the blanket back from Isak, but Isak held it out of his reach. Slowly, a concerning look found it’s way into Isak’s face. “Are you okay?” Isak asked and suddenly Even wanted to cry. He was going to lie to Isak. This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t f _ucking_ fair.

“Yeah, I’m just really tired.” Even sighed. Finding words was hard, opening his mouth was harder. It was fucking exhausting. “I… I barely slept.”  
Isak furrowed his brows, somehow managing to look even more concerned. “Why?”

Even didn’t answer, but pursed his lips and lifted his palms to indicate that he didn’t know.

 

Isak obviously couldn’t take a hint, because he proceeded to try to get Even out of the van. “You still need to eat.”

“I can’t, I-“ Even ran his hands over his face. He didn’t want to do this. He wanted to disappear. “I just need to be alone today.”

Isak’s face immediately fell and Even felt a thousand needles in his heart. “Did I do something wrong?” Isak asked and Even wanted to tell him everything; “No Isak.” he wanted to say, “You haven’t done anything wrong.” he wanted to say, “You’re perfect, I’m just mentally ill.” he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Isak and he wanted to get through this depressive episode together with Isak.

 

Instead he said: “No just… just go, okay?”

 

And Isak left and Even felt worse than before, quietly crying in mattress.

 

*

 

Even had stared at the dirt on the van’s wall for two hours, before Isak decided that he wasn’t going to take any of Even’s shit anymore. Even had heard him phoning Jonas quietly, so he suspected that Jonas had told Isak to confront Even.

 

“Even, you don’t have to get up. I just need to know what’s up.”

Even didn’t answer. Instead he just pulled the blanket over his head, trying to block out the world around him.

 

Why did earth have to keep spinning when Even was depressed?

 

Isak got under the blanket as well, and Even felt his heart break once more. Isak was too perfect for Even, too good. “Did I do something wrong?”  
Even didn’t answer the question, instead he said: “This isn’t going to work out.” And with every word Even felt worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse.

Isak didn’t reply, so Even added: “We should go home.”

 

Isak got up and left the van without a word.

 

*

 

When Even finally got up, Isak sat in the driver’s seat and seemed to text someone.

 

“We should start driving now, if we want to get home today.” Even spoke up, quietly. He still felt bad for pushing Isak away, but he knew that he had to. This wasn’t just his bipolar disorder acting up. Even had to push Isak away, so that he wouldn’t force his mental illness onto Isak. He had to do it, because Isak didn’t want Even in his life.

Isak looked up and Even could see the hurt in his eyes. “I’m staying.”  
Even furrowed his eyebrows in irritation. “No, we’re going home.”

“I texted my aunt. She lives around the corner; she’s here in a few minutes.”

Even’s heart turned into a stone and fell all the way into his stomach. He should’ve expected this. _Of course_ Isak didn’t want to spend the rest of the day with Even.

“Should I wait until she’s here?”  
“No, I…” Isak took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his eyes. “No.”

 

*

 

Driving is exhausting when you’re depressed, but trying not to cry is harder.

 

*

 

Sonja and Even had broken up after Sonja had left Oslo to go to university a little over a year ago, and even though they had tried to remain friends, they had slowly lost touch over the past couple months.

That was probably why Sonja looked so shocked, when she saw Even on her doorstep.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Even shrugged with his shoulders and then leaned into a hug. Sonja immediately started to hug him back and her shocked facial expression turned into a soft and understanding one.

She had always been the only one who completely understood his needs.

 

*

 

Sonja made Even a mug of tea (“Did you know the theanine in green tea can help fight off depression?”), made him sit on her couch, and gave him a blanket he could wrap himself in and Even immediately felt better. He felt calm and safe, and even if the heavy weight on his chest still wasn’t lifted and he still wanted to go to sleep all the time, he at least felt like this feeling could pass again.

 

Like he wasn’t a complete fuck up.

 

*

 

“So do you want to talk about why you came here?”  
“Not really.” Even answered quietly, before taking a sip of his tea, so he wouldn’t have to say anything else.

“It’s okay. You can stay as long as you want, but I want you to tell me as soon as you feel ready, okay?”

Even nodded, glad that Sonja understood and didn’t demand all the answers to the thousands of questions, which were probably shooting through her head right now.

“I think it would really help you. To talk to someone, I mean.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Do you want me to leave you alone? We could also watch some TV together.”

Even didn’t feel like watching TV at all, but then again, he didn’t feel like doing anything else either, so he answered: “TV.” and Sonja turned on some hospital series she liked to watch, occasionally explaining a few things to Even, and even though he didn’t pay attention to her or the TV he was extremely grateful for her.

 

*

 

Even woke up in the middle of the night only to hear Sonja talking to his mum on the phone.

 

*

 

When Even woke up again the next day, he didn’t feel better. Nevertheless, he forced himself to get up after staring at the ceiling for half an hour, because he knew that he wouldn’t feel any better until he had changed out of his smelly and dirty clothes and had taken a shower.

 

As Even went into the kitchen in the hopes to find Sonja, he noticed that no one was there.

After sitting down on a chair (Because _of course_ he was already exhausted; wow, Næsheim, wow.), he noticed a note from Sonja.

 

*

 

_Hey Even,_

_I’m in the uni until 14:00._

_I made u breakfast, please try to eat._

_Your clothes r in the washing machine but I borrowed_

_some joggers and a hoodie from my roommate for u._

_The clothes and a towel r in the bathroom so u can_

_shower._

_Love,_

_Sonja_

*

 

Even scribbled down a quick _thanks :-)_ and then opened the fridge to search for his breakfast.

It was scrambled eggs.

As soon as he saw them, his appetite vanished completely and he couldn’t bring himself to eat anything.

 

*

 

Even took a complete hour to shower and dress, because he moved extremely slowly and had to sit down and take breaks multiple times.

 

Fucking depression making him fucking useless.

 

*

 

“Are you ready to talk about why you showed up on my doorstep unannounced yesterday?” Sonja asked, after her roommate Frederick had left the flat to meet his girlfriend.

 

Frederick had come home before Sonja and had tried to make small talk with Even, but had disappeared into his own room quickly, after he had noticed that Even wasn’t much of a joy to talk to. Frederick seemed very nice though, he reminded Even a little bit of Magnus. The thought of Magnus hurt; he missed Isak’s friends. He missed Isak.

 

“If I have to.” Even answered and smiled a little when he saw Sonja rolling her eyes.

“If you don’t tell me I’m going to force tea and food down your throat until you can’t get up anymore.” Sonja simply answered. And even though Even didn’t have the energy (or the chemical balance in his brain) to laugh at her joke, he still felt a little lighter. Sonja still didn’t pressure him into anything.

“I was on a road trip with Isak.” Even finally answered, figuring that it was only fair to tell Sonja. Still, he felt uncomfortable talking about it, so he started playing with his thumbs in order to avoid eye contact.

“And why aren’t you with him anymore?”

“I got depressed.” Even simply answered. “I don’t even know; I guess it was the stress of not being home for a long time, and not getting enough sleep, and… yeah.”

And then Sonja asked “Did you smoke weed?” and it was a small reminder of why Even fell out of love with Sonja in the first place. She had been fucking controlling him all the time, not allowing any fun. So Even just answered “No.” to avoid a huge lecture about how drugs had a bad influence on his mood swings.

 

Sonja and Even sat together in quiet for a while, until Even spoke up again: “Isak doesn’t want mentally ill people in his life.”

 

*

 

The next day Even built up the courage to finally charge his phone and when he turned it on again, he noticed three missing calls from Isak.

 

He didn’t even waste a single thought to returning the calls, but instead turned the phone off again immediately.

 

*

 

“I talked to your mum this morning. She’s worried.” Sonja said, as she entered the room and placed a mug of green tea on the table in front of Even again. As if green tea was going to fix Even’s fucking depression.

 

“She wants to know when you’re coming back.”

“How long can I stay here?” Even asked, his eyes staying fixated on the mug.

He heard Sonja sit down on the couch’s armrest. “How long you need to. I understand if you don’t want to drive a car like this.”

“It’s hard to concentrate on the street.” Even simply answered, and when he turned around to look at Sonja he saw that she really did understand him.

“I was thinking about visiting my parents in Oslo this weekend, I can drive over there with you in your car and take the train back.” Sonja offered and took a sip of her own tea.

Even’s stomach turned around at the thought of returning home, but he knew that he shouldn’t bother Sonja for any longer, so he just answered: “ Sounds good.” and then added: “Thank you.”

 

“No problem, Ev.”

 

*

 

Even spent Wednesday playing video games with Frederick, because Sonja was working and he didn’t feel like being alone the whole day.

Even liked Frederick. He neither tried to start conversations with Even, nor seemed to be bothered by the fact that Even hadn’t showered or changed out of Frederick’s sweatpants in three days.

 

*

 

Even hadn’t felt that grey in a long time.

 

*

 

The following night Even couldn’t sleep, so he turned on his phone once again, only to find four missing calls by his parents and two more by Isak. Even Jonas had tried to reach Even once, which probably meant that Isak was home by now and had met up with Jonas.

Even though Even had become good friends with Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas, they still were mainly Isak’s friends. They never hung out with  – or called – Even without Isak.

 

*

 

**Mamma**

Sonja talked to me. I hope you’re

okay. Tell me when you’re coming

home.

 

She said you’re having an episode.

Do you want me to make an

appointment with your doctor?

 

I’m coming home this weekend.

 

Sorry for not calling you, I was

too depressed to talk to anyone.

 

*

 

**Isak**

Are you ok?

 

Idk why I asked, u’re obvs not ok

 

Talk to me when you’re ready pls

 

When r u coming home?

 

I’m worried.

 

Sorry.

 

*

 

Sonja was sitting on the couch next to Even, holding the phone in her hand, her finger levitating right over the small green button.

“If you don’t do it now, it’ll just get harder, Even.” Sonja tried to encourage him.

Even sighed. He knew Sonja was right, but that still didn’t make it easier. He was still in the middle of a depressive episode, and according to his experience, it wouldn’t leave for another 1 or 2 weeks. Even didn’t see the point in making effort to get closer to Isak, only to disappoint him again. To have him find out about Even’s mental disorder as soon as he got home.

“But what am I going to tell him?” Even asked, trying to convince Sonja that this was a stupid idea. “He doesn’t want me in his life.”

“Just because his mother was too much for him to deal with, doesn’t mean you are. You’re diagnosed, you’re getting help, you have a support system. You are not his mother.”

“I know but-“  
“Just tell him. If he doesn’t take it well, he doesn’t deserve you.” Sonja interrupted Even and shot him an empathetic smile. Sonja was right; Even knew she was. But still, he didn’t want to lose Isak.

 

After a while, Sonja handed Even the phone and got up. “I’m going to make us a tea, okay?”

“Can I have a coffee, please?” Even spoke up. He was so sick of green tea.

“Uh, sure.” Sonja answered, a little taken off guard. But she recovered quickly and asked: “Like always?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. When I’m back I want to see you on the phone with Isak.” Sonja said and patted Even’s shoulder as she left to make them coffee.

 

*

 

Maybe the caffeine would make Even finally awake enough perform basic hygiene.

 

*

 

As soon as Even had started calling Isak, a huge wave of anxiety crashed onto him. It was weird to feel anxious after all those days of just dull heaviness in his chest, and Even hated it.

 

“ _Hello?_ ” Isak’s voice suddenly came through the speaker and a new wave of anxiety rushed through Even’s body; he was too thunderstruck to reply. “ _Even?_ ” Isak tried again.

“Hi Isak.” Even finally managed to say, immediately regretting it.

“ _Even, hi! How are you? I was super worried._ ”

 

And then Even hung up.

 

*

 

On Thursday Even showered and ate the first meal that didn’t just consist of crackers or fruit snacks since he had arrived at Sonja’s. He even helped Sonja do the dishes, even though the only thing he could think about the whole time was returning to his couch (and Isak).

 

*

 

Even used to enjoy the constant stream of _IsakIsakIsakIsakIsak_ in his mind, but now every thought of Isak hurt.

 

*

 

Even hadn’t even noticed how much he had missed home, until he found himself in his mother’s arms.

 

“Thanks for everything, Sonja.” Even mumbled after his mum had stopped hugging him.

“No problem.” Sonja responded. “Just text me next time before you show up.”  
Even forced a smile onto his face, when he noticed that Sonja had made a joke, but it didn’t seem to be believable, because Sonja’s smile quickly disappeared again. “I gotta go now. Hope you feel better soon, Even.”

“Bye, Sonja. And thanks again.”

 

*

 

“Are you sure you want to go to school again tomorrow?” Even’s mum asked and honestly, Even wasn’t sure. Just the thought of going back to school made anxiety rise in his chest, but he didn’t want to miss anything; he didn’t want to get back into the cycle of skipping school and getting more and more miserable he had found himself in last year in Bakken.

So Even answered: “Yeah, I’m sure.” even though he wasn’t.

“You know you don’t have to go when you’re in the middle of an episode, right?” Even’s father spoke up. “This is a legitimate illness.”

“I know, but I really want to pass this year. Besides, staying in bed all day really doesn’t help with depression.”

“Well, if you’re sure you’ll be fine…” Even’s mum gave in.

“I am, mum. Thanks.”

 

*

 

With every breath Even took he missed Isak more.

 

*

 

The whole Monday, Even felt like he wasn’t actually present. In class he couldn’t concentrate on a word his teachers said, and in the breaks he didn’t listen to his friends’ conversations. It was like he was in his own world, only daydreaming of Isak and everything else that made Even sad.

 

The first thing that actually interrupted his constant stream of self-destructive thoughts was his friend Sigrid asking: “What’s up with you and Isak?”

Even had been thoughtlessly drawing on a sheet of paper, but the mention of Isak’s name made him snap out of his daydreams and look up to his friends. It was lunch-time and he hadn’t said a word the whole time.

“Why? What would be up with me and Isak?” Even asked. He tried to sound calm, even though a thousand thoughts immediately shot into his head.

What if Isak had talked to them? Was Isak there? Did his friends tell Isak anything?

“Well you’ve been quiet all day, and Isak has been shooting you some really weird looks since lunch started.” Henry answered. Even felt like he was going to vomit.

“Weren’t you on that road trip in the holidays? You were so excited about it.” Sigrid asked.

“Did you fight?” Christopher joined into the conversation and Even was growing more and more uncomfortable.

“Will you guys shut up if I tell you?” Even asked and everyone immediately started nodding. “You guys remember that I had a crush on Isak?”  
“A crush? You are basically obsessed with that guy.” Henry interrupted Even and was immediately met by judging looks from both Christopher and Sigrid. “Not helpful.” Sigrid whispered, and then everyone turned to Even again.

“We kissed.” Even simply said, and before his friends could start getting excited for him, he added: “And then he told me he didn’t want mentally ill people in his life.”

When he saw the expression in his friend’s faces change to sympathetic and sad, he started to smile from bitterness. “And _then_ I got depressed and ran away to Sonja.”

 

*

 

“You should talk to Isak.” Sigrid said to Even quietly.

Even sighed. “I know.”

 

*

 

In the hallway, Even ran into Isak.

 

“Fuck, sorry.” Even mumbled, looking on the ground. Even had knocked a few sheets of paper out of Isak’s hands, and _wow, great job, Næsheim_ ; it was like Even was good for nothing but destroying things.

“No, problem.” Isak looked up to Even, smiling, and Even died inside. “How are you?”

“Uhh…” Even stuttered. “I’m fine.” What a fucking liar.

“I think we should talk.” Isak suggested, while collecting his sheets from the ground. “About, what… you know.”

“Uhh... yea. I guess.” Even stuttered, stumbling over every word he said. “I also have to give back the van.”  
“It’s Sana’s.” Isak said and _of course_ it was Sana’s. Because that was just Even’s luck. Of course the van belonged to the sister of a former friend of Even; the very friend Even had just _ghosted_ after ridiculing himself in front of him and all his friends. But it was not like Even deserved any better.

 

So Even panicked. “I have to go.”

 

*

 

When Even came home he went straight to bed without lunch and remained there until the next morning.

 

*

 

**Isak**

 

When can I return the van?

 

I can just give you Sana’s

address

 

Can’t I just give it to you?

 

I wanna talk to you

anyway.

 

I’m home u can just come

over

 

*

 

On Wednesday Even had an appointment with his therapist and when he walked out of the session he finally felt hope again.

 

*

 

Even neither talked to Isak, nor saw him for almost another week, figuring that he shouldn’t talk to Isak when he was still depressed - and because he was way too scared to talk to him anyway - but when Even woke up on Saturday and suddenly felt a little lighter than before, he knew that he just had to talk to Isak.

 

*

 

Even ate breakfast with his family and when they noticed the shift in his mood, they convinced him to go grocery shopping with them, so he would get out of the house and “catch some vitamin d”.

 

But even though Even was a lot more talkative and not as exhausted anymore, he still wasn’t completely recovered from his depressive episode.

 

So he decided to talk to Isak on another day.

 

*

 

When Even searched for tomatoes in the grocery store, he spotted Isak and Eskild buying alcohol.

 

Even turned around quickly, avoiding any eye contact and pretended to be very interested in the cauliflowers, hoping – praying – that Isak and Eskild wouldn’t see him.

 

But after a few minutes of intense cauliflower staring, someone tapped him on the shoulder and Even turned around a little too quickly.

“Hey Even.” It was Eskild.

“Hi, Eskild?”

“What are you doing there?”  
“Uhh, choosing the right cauliflower?”

Eskild sighed. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Isak, but you two should talk it out. He misses you.”

Even swallowed heavily. He felt like he was on the verge of tears; he missed Isak like hell. “Yeah, uhm. Thanks.”

“I just wanted to say that we invited a few people to hang out at the Kollektiv today. You should come too. Talk to Isak.” Eskild proceeded talking.

Even didn’t want to talk to Isak. “Yeah, I’ll… I’ll think about it.”

“At eight, okay? Isak would be very happy.”

 

*

 

Even didn’t know what the fuck to do.

 

*

 

At 10pm Even stood in front of the Kollektiv, the keys to the van in the one hand and his other hand levitating over the bell. He was so fucking anxious and he hated it; normally he was so good at at least _pretending_ to be confident, but Isak made him weak. He hated it.

 

After approximately ten minutes, he finally pushed the bell and another wave of anxiety immediately washed over him.

He waited outside with a turning stomach and sweaty palms, until he heard footsteps and someone opened the door. Isak.

 

“I’m here to return the keys.” Even said, not even greeting Isak. He was way too nervous.

“Oh, yea. Cool.” Isak answered and held out his hand so Even could hand him the keys.

“The car is parked down the street.” Even added, desperate to hold a conversation with Isak. He just wanted to talk to Isak; he wanted the misunderstanding to be over. It was stupid and petty and Even just wanted to be happy with Isak – or at least be able to get over him.

Isak seemed to notice that Even had no intention to leave, so he asked, opening the door a little more: “Do you want to come in? We’re having a small party.”

 

“I’m bipolar.”

 

Isak stopped in his movement and just looked at Even in stunned silence. Even’s breath got caught in his throat, but his heart started beating at double speed. Everything in his body was tense; he was ready to face the rejection.

 

But Isak just responded: “Let’s sit down somewhere, okay?” and it was even worse than rejection. Even needed clarity; he needed to be able to relax. But instead of voicing his frustration he just answered: “Sure.”

 

*

 

“I thought you had depression.”

“Depression?” Even asked, almost amused.

“Yeah, I mean… you only seemed depressed. I didn’t know you also experienced mania.” Isak tried to defend himself. “But I guess I didn’t know a lot about you.”

Even started gnawing on his bottom lip self-consciously. “I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know. I didn’t want to be another burden in your life.”

“You’re not a burden.” Isak responded, softly. He reached out to Even’s hand and Even happily held onto it. Isak started massaging Even’s hand with his thumb  and it calmed Even down enough, to let him voice his biggest concern: “But you said you didn’t want any mentally ill people in his life.”

When Isak answered, he sounded very sad. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

Even got frustrated again. Of course Isak had meant it like that, or else he wouldn’t have said it. Isak was just sorry, that Even was mentally ill.

But before he could tell Isak so, Isak started to speak again: “It’s just… my mum, she refuses to get help; she doesn’t want to get better. She’s nothing like you.”

Even sighed. He understood. “Okay.”

“I really like you, I want us to try this – whatever this is. No matter your mental health.”

“Me too.”

 

And then Isak leaned over to Even and gave him the most desperate kiss Even had ever shared with anyone. It wasn’t coordinated at all, it was all lips and teeth and tongue and noses squished together and hands at all the wrong places, but it was perfect. And everything became yellow.

 

*

 

“Do you want to come in now?”

“Fuck, yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know bipolar disorder is a very sensitive and difficult topic to write about.  
> I chose not to describe mania, because I personally have had no experience with mania whatsoever and didn't feel like it was my place to write about it (and end up displaying it in a completely wrong and insensitive way).  
> I was also never diagnosed with depression (Even though I did experience mental illness and feeling depressed was part of it lmao), so if anything I wrote bothers you, please, please comment and I'll be happy to change it :-)
> 
> Of course comments (and kudos!!) are also appreciated if you liked the fic.


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